Blogging the 30-Day Breakup Guide: A week in a day (or two)

Ahh, The Frisky once again comes to my rescue.

It's been a little more than 36 hours since Brian and I made our split official. I felt strange waking up yesterday knowing it to be true rather than facing the possibility, as I did Monday, but despite the ease of the split and where we stand now I still (understandably) need to take active steps to move on.

So yesterday, I turned to the 30 Day Breakup Guide. Written by Jamie Beckman, the subject of a new book and on its second run through The Frisky, the guide is quite simply a day-by-day list of things to do to fully reclaim yourself after a breakup. I'm a poor candidate to run the book through, if only because of the nature of the breakup itself, but already I've done several of the days' suggestions and I have to admit - I feel good about it.

Day 1: change your cell phone's wallpaper so it has nothing to do with the ex.
     Okay...I wasn't going to do this one. My BlackBerry shows me the cast of Glee, an interest that was and is all mine. Still, the last few times I looked at my home screen I've been reminded of just how much our tastes diverged when it came to that show. It was time to make a change, if only to reaffirm that I am who I am. Now, when I pick up my beloved Berry I see the handsome and talented Jonathan Rhys Meyers -- good ol' King Henry -- and I'm satisfied.

Day 2: tell your friends.
     My closest friends knew all weekend that something was going to happen...and between the blog post on Monday morning and my relationship status change immediately after the fact, I have to say that they're pretty well aware. To cap it off, I had the best conversation with my friend Drew last night, who swore to me that I would have guys falling over me in no time. Regardless of the truth of the statement (I believe you, darlin!), it's exactly what I needed to hear.

Day 3: collect your friends' advice and kind words in a "Breakup Bible".
     In progress...when I have everything put together I will follow up with some of my favorite quotes.

Day 4: meet two gal pals at your neighborhood bar, throw back a few cocktails, and let them tell you it'll all be okay.
     Check...sort of. I went out with Sarah and Jake (not a chick, but perhaps even better) on Saturday night before the breakup, and they did tell me that everything would be okay - if, of course, I stood firm in the conviction that I am a strong person and if I didn't make the mistake of second-guessing myself. I think that a certain amount of second-guessing is inevitable and even healthy, but the bottom line is that I got some very important support.

Day 5: take a trip somewhere - even grandma's house will do.
     I planned to take a week-long trip at the end of April - to NYC, where I could visit my friends in the area and take in a lot of the sights that McKenzie and I missed during our road trip in 2007. I canceled that trip shortly after getting back together with Brian, in part because of money but also in large part because I didn't want him to feel abandoned if I went to another state for eight days without him.

     So, New York is back on the calendar! (Somewhere.) It will take some time to put everything in place and make sure that I can get the time off, but I'm excited to finally do what I've dreamed so long of doing. In the meantime, next weekend is a trip to Put-in-Bay, and this weekend is full of possibilities...

Day 6: go grocery shopping, buying exactly what you and you alone want to eat.
     I stopped at Giant Eagle on the way home yesterday. Sure, there was food in the house, but I decided to have a low-key Mediterranean dinner. Half an hour and some cash later, I walked out with giant olives, feta and camembert cheeses, grapes, raspberries and a bottle of Moscato -- all things I absolutely love and wouldn't have in the house because I knew Brian wouldn't eat them. I made my little dinner and had a movie date with myself. (Leap Year is the perfect movie to reestablish the idea that love is twisted and unexpected but totally possible.)

Day 7: box up his crap.
     Done and done. The benefit of having a face to face discussion is that the ritual exchanging of personal belongings can be accomplished at the same time. When we met in the park, he had a stack of things that I left at his house, for which I gave him a similar stack (and the parts to my car - another story). Once I got home, I commenced phase two: I took the pictures that sat on my bedside table, the Valentine's Day cards that graced my bookshelf, and the ring he gave me for Valentine's Day five years ago (which, regardless of how opposite my purposes it is I asked to have returned), and put them in a box out of site.

     This mini ritual was an eye-opener for me. For our years of history and the seriousness of our relationship, it was startlingly simple to erase the visible signs that we were together. The only item in the box that I haven't had since 2005-2006 is the Valentine's Day card from this year...and the packet of poppy seeds I just realized I neglected. The bouquet has long since faded.

Day 8: buy a new "look at me!" dress.
     I received confirmation that my brand new dress shipped this morning. If you skip the link, just keep an eye out for pictures of yours truly rocking it out. Online shopping may not have the same thrill as perusing the store and finding it with your own eyes, but it's pretty convenient -- and hey, if the dress isn't as amazing as I thought it was, I can take it back and then do some shopping!

Day 9: re-read a book you loved. Baby-sitters Club, anyone?
     Those books were good, but my favorite book is Wicked. My small, slightly worn paperback copy called to me from the bookshelf as I considered this particular step, so I pulled it off the shelf and set it by my bag to bring with me. For those of you who have lived under a rock for the last several years, Wicked tells the story of the Wicked Witch of the West before she earned that fearsome moniker. Maguire's masterful use of words and plot introduce you to a character whose compassion battles with her sense of inadequacy, and lends an entirely different perspective to the Ozian tale with which we all grew up. Revisiting my favorite anti-hero will be like coming home.

Day 10: stop watching crap reality show reruns and change your perspective by taking in art produced by a woman.
     Okay...I may need some help with this one. Results to follow.

I don't know what effect sprinting through the guide will have on me, except that when I woke up this morning I was a little less sad than I was yesterday. It's a good feeling to reacquaint myself with myself, rather than the half a couple I've been, and to realize that I still like what I see. And that, as they say, is the important thing.

Just an unrequited lover, wishing she had never spoken your name...

If I ever write this letter, oh the pages I could write
But I don't know where to send it
You have vanished, heaven knows where you live
Heaven only knows


If I ever write this letter, bitter words it would contain
Just an unrequited lover
Wishing she had never spoken your name
Had never known your name


But if I ever write this letter, the truth it would reveal
Loving you brought me pleasure
How I'll often treasure moments that we knew
The precious, the few

~"The Letter", Natalie Merchant

I am writing this letter. For four days I have maintained a pretty consistent silence, save with a few of my closest friends. I have stayed calm, resisted the urge to throw your things out the window, come to your house or blow up your phone and demand a confrontation. For four days I have continued to love you, even while imagining countless scenarios where I could crush your heart as handily as you have crushed mine.

And still, I linger.

We've both already begun to move on - I know it, even as we're officially "still together" and this was your "time to think", you're really just waiting for me to let you off the hook. But you see, I deserve better...and you deserve to be just a little uncomfortable.

You've punished me by drawing this out, and what's funny is that this was your fault. True, the arguing that's been going on for far too long is a product of many things on both sides, but you lied to me. You deliberately ignored me, turned off your phone (what are we, 12?) and then had the audacity to be put out when I figured it out before you had a chance to cover your tracks. I am many things, my love, but one thing I am not is stupid. I told you once before that I'm smarter than you; it wasn't meant to be an insult, but surely you can see now that I was right.

I only have my own perspective to explain why we fight, because you don't talk to me. Maybe you think that I want too much from you, while I know that I don't get enough. You might think that we spend too much time together, and I would agree - but we don't spend quality time together; rather, we sit with your friends (never mine) and talk about your interests (never mine), and though I'm the one who's working we almost always end up on your schedule. How is any of this fair? You tell me I'm your number one priority, but every other word and action out of your mouth betrays the lie. You want me to trust you, then you hand-deliver every reason I shouldn't.

Yes, I get angry. I cry, I yell, I stay up halfway through the night and threaten to, finally, leave you. Because that's the only time you ever seem to actually hear what I'm saying. Even then, though, your attitude tells me you don't care. Why, then, did I continue to stay?

Because I love you. I have loved you from the beginning, six long years ago and every day since then - when you cheated on me, when you lied to me, when you left me, and when you then turned to me for the support that I have always given you. I believe that the best parts of you are still there, hidden under a layer of indecision or perhaps fear of standing on your own.

I wanted to make this work, even to the point that I would fight my own negativity to do so. But I can't fight you too, and though you say you've loved me all this time and that we're meant to be together, I don't know if you're strong enough to be with anyone right now.

My own love, I know that you ultimately made the choice to act in a certain way, but I believe that your actions were directed by another. I've made my feelings quite plain on the matter, so just know that those of us who truly love you and always have are here waiting when you finally realize just how toxic he is to your life.

This isn't over. You will finally break the silence if only to tie up the many, many loose threads we still have hanging. And maybe, hopefully, when we walk away from each other tonight we will do so as friends who have always loved each other. But for four days I have kept silent and waited for you, and I'm tired of waiting.

I love you - now and forever - no matter how much it hurts.

I'm not afraid of anything...

Everybody who reads my blog on a regular basis knows how much I love The Frisky - it's the best blend of news and commentary and blogging that I've encountered on the internet yet. This morning, my perusal led me to columnist Wendy's discussion of her 20 biggest worries.

I am a champion worrier (I get it from my grandma). If everything is going well I immediately start worrying about what can, could, may or may not happen. As part of my quest to clear the clutter out of my life, I decided to share some of my worries, however inconsequential or unlikely - shedding some light on them is the first step to getting rid of them entirely.

I worry that:

-I won't figure out what I want to do with my life.
-I'll get pregnant before we're ready to start a family.
-When the time comes, I won't be able to get pregnant.
-I'll be broke forever.
-I'll lose the people I love in varied and painful ways.
-The time I don't tell the people who matter that I love them will be the last time I talk to them.
-I'll ruin my kids' lives.
-Nothing I do will be remembered.
-I'll lose my memory.
-Life will be over long before I die.

Obviously, I don't consider all of these on a regular basis - but they're there. I worry about other things, like will my car ever run/what if my other car breaks down and what will happen if I suddenly lose my job, but these are the biggest ones.

The key to worrying is not to cut it out of your life - by trying to ignore worry, you condition yourself to ignore those gut feelings that sometimes come along with it and are often your best indicator that something just isn't right. Rather, facing your worries is an effective first step to overcoming them. Most of the things on my worry list are things over which I have control - so, instead of letting them eat away at me, it's my responsibility to do the things that will make the worry disappear. I tell the people around me that I love them. I refuse to let life just pass me by. I'm actively searching for the path that will most fulfill me. And, of course, I use protection. :)

And the things I can't control? As hard as it is, I have to let them go - beyond my fingertips, the world will continue for all of us.

So, what worries you? How do you overcome it?