You came into my life and I thought hey, you know, this could be something...

Obviously my Facebook status gave it away - Brian and I have decided to make things official.

So far, so good; we've both told our respective parents and while they certainly aren't thrilled, everybody involved seems to be supportive. Fortunately, with 3 1/2 years of separation it's a little easier to swallow.

Last night we went out to dinner, and while I was telling him about a discussion we had at the office during lunch it took a personal turn. That is, we were discussing conversion to other religions and the difficulties involved in intermarriage, to seriously oversimplify. I'm sure everybody in my life knows that I am in the process of converting to Judaism -- in fact, I have an appointment at B'nai Jeshurun on Monday to get on track with the process. Brian, of course, was raised as and continues to be a Methodist.

Obviously I don't want to jump the gun on forever; even if I was in a position to consider settling down and starting a family it's an inappropriate consideration to entertain when you've been in a relationship for less than a week. Because of our history, though, I feel comfortable going through the options and consequences when I think about Brian -- and, because of the delicacy of the issue, it is something to think about sooner rather than later.

The first obstacle was the hypothetical wedding itself. I want a Jewish ceremony...not necessarily an Orthodox one with no dancing and gender separation, but at the very least I want a rabbi to officiate. Brian isn't in favor of this, but I think there is an easier compromise here than anywhere else: have a ceremony at a non-religious location and iron out the finer point of the officiant afterward. Hopefully when it is time for me to think about marriage, the man I marry will be open to the discussion.

The question of children, however, is going to be a major sticking point from the way the discussion went, if I do intermarry. I want to raise my children to be Jewish (of course), though once they reach their Bar/Bat Mitzvah I think it should be their choice. What I really want is to encourage my children to learn and grow and find their own path, the way that's right for them -- basically, what I had growing up. The biggest problem with that if I intermarry is that I will be the only Jewish influence outside of the synagogue. Everybody else - extended family, even their other parent - will not give up their celebration of Christian holidays, nor would I expect or ask them to. As much as I want my as-yet hypothetical children to understand other traditions, however, I don't want to actively send a contradictory message. It's possible to find a working middle ground, but I would feel wrong just giving in on this.

So this is where we stand. Again, white dresses and 2-car garages are still in the unforeseen future, I can't help but consider this as I move forward in my conversion. Many intermarried families make it work, and I think with love and support it's still possible...I guess time will tell.

Random poem/song draft from 2 years ago...

they say she died of heartache on a Sunday afternoon
the falling leaves became her wings and to the sky she flew
and when she made it to the clouds her tears became the rain
she looked down to the world she left, and with a sigh she sang

"one of these days, the world will be okay
i'll wake up in the morning to see your smiling face"

though she breathed and walked and worked her heart was in despair
he passed right by without a word, as if she wasn't there
she somehow made it through the day, but her world was at an end
that night she drowned in sadness, and the song began again

"one of these days, the world will be all right
you'll tell me that you love me, and we'll start a brand new life
your love will lift me up so that i'll never touch the ground
we'll always be together with the love that we have found"

she dreamed that he was standing there, his heart was in her hands
he begged her not to leave him, she tried to understand
"i can't live without you," she thought she heard him say
"i'll be lost within a moment, please don't take your love away...

"one of these days, my world will be at peace
you'll be standing there beside me, all i'll ever need
my heart is yours forever, we'll always be okay
i need you and i love you, don't take your love away"

the morning sunlight wiped away the things that she had dreamed
she wondered as the day went on how she could have believed...

There's no turning back for us tonight...

Well...last night was interesting.

Brian and I have been getting together more frequently, so when he asked me the other day if I wanted to get together for coffee I jumped to make time in my schedule. He's been having a rough go of things and I like being able to see him and talk in a way that we were never able to do before. We were so young, so immature, and we just weren't adult enough for the relationship we were trying to have. I still have feelings for him, and I'm glad that I've been there to see the person he's become and that I can love that person as well.

Apparently I'm not the only one who was looking back and thinking, because he told me that he still has feelings for me too. I mean...I knew this, I read him better than anybody, but I suppose even I didn't realize exactly what he was getting at. He drove to the store so we could pick up the oil for my car (he's doing my oil change this afternoon, bless him) and, going with instinct...I kissed him. I had to know if what I was feeling was some extension of sympathy for him or just memories of what we had, or if there was still something there.

Well, friends...there was certainly something.

And now, this leaves us at an impasse. We can't go back and pretend that it didn't happen, and I don't want to. Nor will we just jump back in where we left off and try to make this work. It's been 3 1/2 years since we broke up, and we're both different people. Like I told him last night, we just have to be smart about this, and not fuck it up. So...we need to learn each other again. And not jump to conclusions.

Oh boy, our families are going to be pissed. But there's no turning back.

A hand to hold, or hell to pay...

So, I did it. As of Wednesday last I am officially a member of the Fitworks family of clubs. My first workout was yesterday, and other than the screaming pain in my muscles I feel awesome. I'm already excited to go back this afternoon and do it all over again!

Also, we went on Saturday to fill out the preliminary paperwork for our new apartment. We should find out today what sort of security deposit we're looking at and when we can sign the lease, but if all goes well we'll be scheduled for a March 1 move-in! (Not that we're going to have it all done then...please. A Monday?) At any rate, I was talking to Jolanta about the move and about my resolution to remove the clutter from my life, and she suggested that I look into some basic feng shui techniques to really bring balance into our new home. As she pointed out, it isn't all about furniture placement but about the energy you bring into a room. I've always firmly believed that we influence our environment by what we bring into it, and there's no way that I will find the clear path and balance in my life unless I bring it into my own space.

Now look, this all sounds New Age-y. And I'm okay with that.

Friday I finished my second full week at Sherrod's office. I really like the people in the office, and it's great to be surrounded by people who are working for the same goals (and dealing with the same crazy calls). Word to the wise: if you want to call your elected representative and share your opinion, please do! It's great to get involved. But be respectful!! Remember that the person who answers the phone and who is listening to your opinion is not the Senator, but another constituent just like you who is deserving of your consideration.

You may be frustrated, but that doesn't mean you should yell at them. And you may think that you are being cheeky and clever when you make comments about the Senator losing his bid for re-election (hi, it's 2 1/2 years away), but all you are doing is gloating at the possibility that another person may lose her or his job. ::end rant::

I'm still working on clearing out people who just don't seem to matter anymore. The catch is that I really need to do so without malice; that is, no matter what the reason for severing a connection, I need to just make a peaceful disconnection. By starting a fight I am only indulging whatever bitterness there is in me, and probably continuing the conversation longer than it needs to. I also need to decide when enough is enough, and when it's time to let go.

Other than that, it's just another Monday. I'm looking forward to this week, and especially this weekend, when I get to see my beautiful sisters and dearly missed friends!

Vaya con Dios, amigos.

Live your life off of the wall

This afternoon, I was discussing blogs with Joanna (check out her blog Daddy...Daddy, come back! about raising a family as a pilot's wife) and she said (disclaimer: I'm paraphrasing somewhat here), "the key to a successful blog is to focus on just one." That gave me a moment's pause -- after all, I don't focus on just one of anything. Talk to anybody who's known me for more than five minutes and they can all tell you the same thing: I don't stop moving.

Well, figuratively speaking.

Despite having questionable faith in the institution of New Year's resolutions, I made a whopper to myself that I've decided to share with the world as it's one we can all agree is a necessary goal: to streamline my life. I pride myself on cutting through the crap in so many ways, but every time I look around I realize just how much junk I've let build up on the edges of my life. Now, it's starting to creep in so that it affects how I live each and every day, and I've reached my limit.

Thinking about this also reminds me of my uncle discussing his upcoming move back to Las Vegas. Rather than worry about everything he's accumulated since returning to Ohio two years ago, he is only taking what he needs when he quits our temperate (read: snowy as hell) state. Now, I don't think I could deal with the ascetic lifestyle, and my definition of "need" is somewhat more elastic than his. That being said, however, I know that I have a ton of things I could easily get rid of without causing myself any discomfort. Who knows, maybe getting rid of the material clutter will make some of the spiritual clutter disappear too...

Rather than dealing with contingencies and what-ifs, I need to get on the ball with law school. I have a handful of half-finished applications that wouldn't cause me the headache if I just sit down with them for an hour and pound them out. It really isn't difficult, and now that I know where I stand I can maintain some realistic expectations. As far as work is concerned, I'm trying to gradually phase out my retail job and focus more on the office job. I may also try to find an entirely different second job, though I'd have to weigh it against what I'd be giving up. To pay the bills, two jobs really are necessary.

Finally, my personal relationships are going to change somewhat. I don't have time to waste on people who don't have time for me, especially when the people who matter often wait weeks or months for the chance to spend time with me -- how have I been so fortunate? I'm not taking the true friends in my life for granted anymore; it's definitely time for a contact purge.

Vaya con Dios, amigos.