I just want to start again, maybe you could show me how to try...

I was tempted to delete every post before this one, in an attempt to really make this a fresh start. I can't bring myself to do it, though, despite the head-shaking that invariably happens when I look at who I was even two years ago.

God, I was foolish.

I don't think an update is really necessary, because it isn't as if I've totally dropped the ball on blogging. Some of my life is on my LiveJournal, and some of it is in my own personal journal. Besides -- all of it is elsewhere on the Internet by now, right? It's almost like I'm famous.

It's hard to believe that the end of this week marks the beginning of 2010. When I was a kid they always used to say that time flies as you get older, and even then it seemed to go by just a little faster whenever something amazing was happening. But it's only now that I'm starting to understand just how fleeting everything really is...even the long and boring days at work don't last forever.

My law school applications are coming due, and I got my LSAT score via email this morning: 159. Average. I'm not thrilled, but there's no way in hell I'm taking that test again if I can help it at all. As usual, I decided at the last minute to go for it and prioritized things the way I saw fit. I think I made the right decisions, and at this point time will either vindicate me or kick me in the ass. Sam got a full ride to GW Law for the next 3 years with a similar score; I don't see why I can't at least get in.

Interning at the Senator's office has been an experience (short-lived, but what are you going to do around the holidays?) I considered blogging about the semester and all of the encounters I'll get to have -- the crazy constituent calls, expressions of concern with pictures drawn by 7 year olds, conference calls about pushing through legislation -- but I think periodic updates here will suffice. All I can say is, if you think about contacting your elected representatives just remember that the person to whom you ultimately speak is probably an unpaid intern with limited influence and little patience. Show some respect.

Goals for this week: finish two personal statements, survive New Year's Eve, figure out my schedule so I can have some free time. I got a taste during the holiday, and now I want more. Oh, and decide on/commit to a plan of spiritual study, one way or the other. It's go time.

bienvenue a la cirque des rêves cassés

I needed a place where I could just put my thoughts without soliciting an answer, a question, or even a sympathetic stare. It gets old after awhile, it does, so I came back to what I know -- what's here.

It seems no matter where I go I walk on broken dreams. I wake in the same place, see the same people, think the same worn thoughts before I close my eyes to sleep. There is one constant joy in my life, and even there I'm only waiting for the other shoe to drop and to end up. once again. alone.

I want to do something meaningful, exciting, novel. Writing a novel, that would be a change. And I'm working on it, really I am. Somewhere...between...all the nothing that I do. I can't even pursue my hobbies with any sort of passion anymore.

And why am I just waiting for things to happen to me, anyway? "And Glinda in her gowns, waiting..." I need to channel my focus, pick an interest and see it through to the end. I need to take responsibility for my life, for my future. I need to take the degree that I worked so hard to get and go to the next level.

I need to stop being afraid.

I don't want to be stuck here for the rest of my life thinking of all the things I wanted to do or wished I wouldn't have passed up.

All the time I spent going down the right path -- why do I now feel that I fell in the brambles?